I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW ( the rain is gone.)

Literally. 

And figuratively.

The weather is beautiful today and the sunshine and the fresh air are, well, refreshing.  But better still is the fact that the hormone, chemical, insanity clouds have lifted and my motivation is back.  Just in time too, 'cause my parents are coming and it should be a good, restful visit.  I'm looking forward to some laughs and sharing the fun that the kiddos dream up and less cooking!

I might be posting soon about how churches take care of or don't take care of it's pastors.  The subject was brought up today.  Very interesting.

WOOOO HOOOOOO (Witchy Woman)

I am struggling with hormones and depression.  I mentioned in the last post about having to get it all straightened out with the gynecologist and the "psycho" doctor AND  the counselor.  My "holy trinity" so to speak.

I do not like living like this.  It is very, very, very difficult to figure out "what" is talking.  Is it the depression causing the negative feelings or is it the hormones?  Is it both combined? 

Something else I wonder about is the amount of instances or behavior I blame on depression.  How much do I blame on hormones.  How much do I take spiritual ownership of? 

I can give what I feel is the right answer.  Pray and ask God.  Some days, however, I feel as if I'm caught in a swirling vortex of emotions and distractions.  It doesn't always occur to me to talk to God. 

I feel like I'm losing my mind.  What there is left of it that is....

THE MOODY BLUES

This is a call out to any forty something ladies out there who are clinically depressed. 

How did peri-menopausal symptoms affect your depression? 

I had one of the worst days yesterday that I've had so far.  My energy was nothing and my personality was nothing to speak kindly of. 

I am scheduled to be seen by the gynecologist next week and I was just curious as to what's in store. 

I have a feeling that I'm going to be hit with more medication. 

Oh well, here's to drugs...

BUMMER!

So, it has been suggested that I get a second opinion on my medication doses.

NOT because I feel that I need a larger dose; I feel quite well.   BUT because my husband and my counselor feel that it wouldn't hurt.

I guess this is what depression is all about.  Not really knowing what's going on.  Whatever. 

So, I will gather up the shattered pieces of what I thought was a healthy psyche and lay them at yet another "Psycho Doctor's feet".  I will do this because I have had to trust those who love me.  AHHHHHH!  That was always easy until that trust factor wormed it's way into the deepest places of my brain; Those vast spaces of "me". 

I battle with feelings of self-worth at these times.  I feel like a child who cannot care for herself but is exhausting herself with trying.  (Sigh)....Why bother? My husband is very adept at running the household.  He takes amazingly good care of the children.  He is a great leader, highly respected....

I, on the other hand,  am clinically depressed.  I have trouble focusing at times.  I have trouble remembering things at times.  My ability to multi-task is severely disabled.  I struggle with motivation.  It's so easy to just give-up and let the "better-person" handle it.  I like to sleep; I'm good at sleeping.  That's what I struggle with. 

So now I will go and finish my McDonald's coffee and attempt to clean our house that we have been so wonderfully blessed with.  I love our house.  Thank you church!

BABY COME BACK!

I found a picture of my son when he was a toddler.  He was standing with the most precious look on his face waiting for me to accomplish something for him. 

The look haunts me.  It makes me cry.  No, it makes me weep with regret.

I didn't understand how precious he was.  I didn't know how to be a loving parent.  I didn't know how to protect his emotions and teach him how to be strong and confident. 

I slept with that picture the other night...and prayed...

My sweet, precious, beautiful gift.  How I wish you were once again that toddler in the picture.  How I wish that I knew who I was so that I could teach you who you are.  How I wish I could touch your soft cheeks and kiss them incessantly.  How I wish I could cuddle with you and squeeze you until you screamed for me to stop!  How I wish I could look you in the eyes and tell you that God gave you to me as a gift, a most precious gift; a gift that I treasure and adore and treat with the utmost care and respect.  How I wish I could be available to stand up for that personality that mirrors mine. 

Oh my sweet boy. May you and God forgive me for failing you.  I know now that I was young, depressed, and ignorant.  I often question why God would allow for such situations.  I now have an idea why, having gotten to know our God a little better.  But you have not.  Oh, my precious child, you have not and it crushes me; it rips my heart out over and over again.

Oh how I wish I knew then what I know now.  I wish I could love you the way that I love your much younger siblings.  God has shown me much.  My prayer is that you, my precious, beautiful gift, would allow God to show you much. 

Until that day I will pray for you and sleep with that precious picture...

BURN BABY BURN! ((Disco Inferno)) :)

Welcome Lent. 

I prefer Ash Wednesday.  There is something attractive about burning something.  I like to burn things.  Candles, incense, roux, fall leaves, hickory sticks over which to cook hot dogs.  Their smell is pleasant to me.

God likes to burn things too.  You are probably thinking, "yeah, like bad people."  No, it breaks God's heart to see situations like Sodom and Gomorrah.  But God likes to set people's hearts on fire; The Holy Spirit as the tool or "match" if you will.  God wants to burn away the things in our hearts, our mind, our spirit, that interfere with his presence.  He wants to burn those things away until what is left are ashes in the trash heap and beauty in his hands.  The smell of those things burning is pleasant to God.

These next 40 days will be difficult for me but not as difficult as in times past.  In times past I have focused primarily on what I was giving up even though I knew it was wrong.  I have a better grasp this time I think.
It has to do with Philippians 3:10-11 which is posted on my sidebar at right. 

Suffering. 

It's a privilege. 

It's to identify with Christ.

We should want that.

But do we?

This has allowed me to rethink these next forty days.  Can I do without the things I gave up for Lent?  Pop, sugar, and two meals a day, replaced with juicing, seconds at supper?  I believe I can.  But not only will I have the power to do so, thanks to the Holy Spirit in my life, I will also learn to focus on Jesus and ENJOY it; I will find joy in it.

Why?

I will find joy in it because I will be fellowshipping with Christ.  I will be relating to him and with him.  And, in doing those things, I will be...BECOMING LIKE HIM. 

Praise his holy name.

WELCOME TO MY BRAIN; YA MIGHT WANT TO FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS

Welcome to the vast spaces that are called my brain.  Why have I decided to open my brain to complete strangers? 

It is my hope and prayer that I, in some feeble attempt at being real, may be of some help to someone, maybe even myself.  Maybe the  help will come in the form of laughter.  Maybe the help will come in the form of crying.  Maybe the help will come in the form of contemplation.  No matter the form, however,  help will come in the very person of Jesus Christ who has sent us THE COMFORTER; The Holy Spirit who, along with Jesus and The Father, form The Holy Trinity; our life.  And our life was meant to be shared.

So why have I cautioned you to fasten your seat belts??

Well, my brain is on drugs for Clinical Depression.  I am a reluctant mother of three.  I am a pastor's wife.  I am a drummer...I am a child of the Most High God; that alone should make you hold on tight!!!!!