BABY COME BACK!

I found a picture of my son when he was a toddler.  He was standing with the most precious look on his face waiting for me to accomplish something for him. 

The look haunts me.  It makes me cry.  No, it makes me weep with regret.

I didn't understand how precious he was.  I didn't know how to be a loving parent.  I didn't know how to protect his emotions and teach him how to be strong and confident. 

I slept with that picture the other night...and prayed...

My sweet, precious, beautiful gift.  How I wish you were once again that toddler in the picture.  How I wish that I knew who I was so that I could teach you who you are.  How I wish I could touch your soft cheeks and kiss them incessantly.  How I wish I could cuddle with you and squeeze you until you screamed for me to stop!  How I wish I could look you in the eyes and tell you that God gave you to me as a gift, a most precious gift; a gift that I treasure and adore and treat with the utmost care and respect.  How I wish I could be available to stand up for that personality that mirrors mine. 

Oh my sweet boy. May you and God forgive me for failing you.  I know now that I was young, depressed, and ignorant.  I often question why God would allow for such situations.  I now have an idea why, having gotten to know our God a little better.  But you have not.  Oh, my precious child, you have not and it crushes me; it rips my heart out over and over again.

Oh how I wish I knew then what I know now.  I wish I could love you the way that I love your much younger siblings.  God has shown me much.  My prayer is that you, my precious, beautiful gift, would allow God to show you much. 

Until that day I will pray for you and sleep with that precious picture...